双语：出轨后该如何请求他/她原谅

　　According to Arnold Schwarzenegger"s autobiography, Total Recall, after he committed adultery with his housekeeper, he denied to his wife Maria Shriver that the child was his -- because he "didn't know" he was the father. Having both lied and cheated, there's little room for doubt that Arnold had wronged his wife.

　　施瓦辛格在自传中回忆道“当他和和自己的女管家发生关系并另其怀孕以后，他在自己的妻子面前抵赖自己不是孩子他爸——因为他“什么都不知道”。阿诺的出轨并撒谎毫无疑问深深地伤害了妻子。

　　When, years later, Maria confronted him in the therapist's office with concerns that the governess's child looked an awful lot like him, his tactic was to finally reveal the truth. Then he offered an apology: "I told her how sorry I felt about it, how wrong it was, and that it was my fault. I just unloaded everything."

　　几年以后，妻子和阿诺在婚姻治疗师的办公室里再次面对往事，妻子提出女管家的孩子与阿诺极像时，阿诺终于承认自己做过的荒唐事，然后向妻子道歉：“我告诉她我有多后悔做下这样的事，我承认自己的错误，之后我感觉到自己终于轻松了。”

　　Arnold's case, while headline grabbing, is not unique. When couples struggle with the complications of infidelity, there's a lot of work to be done; part of that work involves owning up to an affair and offering an apology. And an apology isn't easy; it is a complex form of communication.

　　阿诺的这个丑闻绝对是新闻头条，然而这却是很多人生活里面容易犯的错。当婚姻被婚外情所困扰时，我们需要做很多来让婚姻重回正轨。承认出轨和道歉是必须要做的两件事。这个时候的道歉就不是一件简单的事了，这个道歉将成为你和爱人间复杂的沟通。

　　In order for an apology to be an effective means of communication, it must include five steps. These steps don't apply just to affairs or infidelity. They are necessary to mend any kind of perceived wrongdoing.

　　想让这个道歉管用，下面这五步一定要掌握，当让这五步不仅仅适合那些已经有婚外情的人，也适合那些在犯了错却要想修补爱情的人。

　　Step 1: Understand what you are apologizing for.
　　第一步：知道你要为什么而道歉

　　A genuine apology sounds easy. You probably know by now that it's not. If you've had an affair, I'll bet that on many occasions you've already tried to say "I'm sorry." Or, having had your first apology rejected, you may have tried, "I've already said I'm sorry. What else would you like me to say?"

　　道歉是很简单的事，但当你出轨了，想要道歉却变得很艰难。我敢肯定你在很多情况下已经为你的行为道过歉了；或是你道歉没被接受。“我已经告诉她/他我很对不起了，我还能做点什么？”

　　If you have already apologized, your mate may have failed to accept it because it does not feel genuine. Even if, in your heart of hearts, you swear you mean it, it may not be perceived that way. For your message of remorse to get across, you've got to do a fair amount of introspection to figure out what you are apologizing for -- even before you say the words. You are apologizing for much more than "having an affair." There is a lot more that you have done, or not done, that surrounded the affair: things like causing embarrassment to the family, giving up family time, or even bringing home STDs. Your partner wants you to take responsibility for all of it. You should.

　　如果你已经道歉了，但你的伴侣却没有感受到你的诚意，所以没有接受你的道歉。即使这个歉意真的是你掏心窝肺的歉意，但是你的伴侣却没有感觉到你的真诚。为了让他/她能真正感受到你的悔意，你要好好反省一下你到底为什么道歉？——尽管你都表达过自己的悔意了，但你要明白你要道歉的不仅是因为你“出轨”了。与此同时，你的出轨带来了很多让人难以接受的东西。比如：你让你的家庭蒙羞、你疏于与家人共享时间、你甚至将性传染疾病带回了家....你的伴侣想要你为自己犯下的错负责。

　　When you do tell your partner that you hurt them with your actions, you should give a full account of all the wrongs you have committed. Don't be surprised if your partner chimes in with a few you didn't think of.

　　当你向你的伴侣认错的时候，你应该将你的行为所引起的不良后果一一历数。当然，他/她可能会给你列举出几个你没有预计到的不良后果，你不要大惊小怪。

　　Step 2: Accept responsibility.
　　第二步：承担责任

　　When it comes time to offer an apology, you must, above all, be clear about what you have done. Be absolutely certain not to shirk responsibility by sharing the blame with anyone or anything else. Apologizing is not saying, "It never would have happened if I hadn't been hanging out with my sister," or "The captain shouldn't have assigned me a female partner." In particular, be careful to avoid labeling your spouse as responsible, for example, with words like: "If only I had been getting more love from you, I wouldn't have looked elsewhere." Your behavior is your responsibility and no one else's. You'll know you're on the right track when no one offers any disagreement about what you are apologizing for.

　　People sometimes try to decrease their own responsibility by adding "if" to their statement about the other person's reaction. Saying "I'm sorry if what I did hurt your feelings" is very different from saying "I'm sorry for what I did, and I know it caused you pain." The "if" statement tells the person that you have remorse about the outcome, not about your actions. Don't do that.

　　当你道歉时，首先，你要承认你犯下的错。千万不要将你犯的错推脱道别人身上。你不应该说“我要不和我姐姐在一起，这种事绝不可能发生。”或是说“老板不应该给我安排个女同事。”特别要注意，千万不要在这个时候将责任推脱道你的爱人身上，说什么“如果你能多爱我一点，我也不会在外面寻花问柳了。”你犯错了，就是你自己的责任，和别人无关。你要知道，当你敢于担当时，你的方向才是对的，也没人会认为你不应该道歉。人们有时候会说“如果怎样怎样”来开脱自己，减小自己的责任。“如果我所做的伤害了你，对不起。”和“对不起，我伤害了你。”是两个不同的效果。加上“如果....”的道歉会让人觉得你只对你犯错的结果感到懊悔，而不是你犯错的行为。所以，不要那么说。

　　Step 3: Offer alternatives.
　　第三步： 如果时光可以到倒转....

　　You've probably heard the advice to stay away from the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" attitude toward life. Well, here's a place where this is exactly the attitude you need. A hearty dose of "I should have told you that I was going out to lunch with her," or "I wish had not shared my problems with him" tells your partner that you understand there "coulda" been a better way of handling things, and gives hope that you will make better choices in the future.

　　“我可能、我也许、我应该”在日常生活里，我们要尽量避免这样的词出现。然而一旦婚姻因为出轨亮起了红灯，这些选择性的词应该就应该出现在你的道歉内容里。对他/她真心地说“我当时应该告诉你我是要和她去吃晚餐的。”或是“我不该把我的问题告诉他。”告诉你的伴侣，如果有选择，你不会重蹈覆辙，这样可以给他/她再次信任你的希望。

　　Step 4: Abolish expectations.
　　第四步：不要期望太高

　　Another aspect of a genuine apology is to offer it without expectation to get something back. This isn't a proposition of "I'll say what I did wrong so you will tell me what you did wrong," or even "I'll say I'm sorry if you say you'll forgive me." Your sole goal should be to make sure your partner hears you. It's certainly okay to offer the hope that your partner will accept the apology, but you cannot make that a condition for offering it.

　　真诚的道歉必须是不要求回报的。这不是什么一个“我告诉你我做错了什么，你也要说你做错了什么”的命题。更不能要求对方“我认错，你接受我”。你道歉的唯一目标就是让你的伴侣能够听进去你在说什么，当然心存被原谅的愿望是好的，只是你不能把这个当成必然结果去看待。

　　Step 5: Say, "I'm sorry."
　　第五步：说“对不起”

　　You may be thinking that you are very, very sorry. You may have admitted to all your wrong doings. You may have asked for forgiveness, and you may have promised never to do it again. But your partner may still turn to you and say "You never said you were sorry." Don't forget to say you're sorry!

　　你可能觉得你真的做错了；你可能也承认了你所有的过失；你可能请求被原谅、你可能也向他/她保证以后再也不会犯同样的错。但是你的伴侣任然指责你“你从来没有对我说对不起。”不要忘了对他/她说声对不起。

　　Studies about gender differences reveal that women tend to offer spontaneous apologies more than men do. Women are more likely to perceive things they have done as requiring the offer of apology, but men tend to see real and imagined wrongs as not deserving an apology, because they "weren't that big of a deal."

　　调查表明女性出轨后比男性更容易意识到错误而道歉。女性较男性更容易意识到自己犯错了，之后向伴侣道歉。而男性会觉得自己的所作所为还没到道歉的份，因为“这不是什么大不了的事。”

　　Not every affair gets splashed across international headlines, but mistakes do happen in everyone's lives. That's what apologies are for. Having an affair is a big mistake, and it healing requires a genuine apology. Then the rebuilding can begin.

　　不是每个出轨都能成为新闻头条的，然而每个人都可能犯错，所以我们要为此道歉。出轨是个很不应该的，如果发生了，一个诚挚的歉意是必须的，也许这个道歉的方式可以让你的婚姻从新开始。