离婚者的教训：婚姻中最后悔的15件事

2014-10-31 12:28:07来源：网络

　　Divorce triggers a lot of different emotions, everything from sadness to regret. In some cases, a split is precipitated by a factor outside the marriage. In other cases, though, couples ask themselves whether there was something they could have done differently to save the relationship.

　　With that in mind, we asked Huff/Post50 divorced readers about the biggest mistakes they made in their marriages. Some responses were succinct. "Getting married when my instincts kept screaming 'NO!'" said Nancy Jurney. But others were more complex. "Not really knowing who he was. I should have done a better job on his background. Got married in June of 1986 and divorce was final in December 1986," said Jessie Williams. Take a look at the other responses below.

　　1. "We stopped putting the other first; stopped nurturing the relationship, dating. Simple everyday things like kissing, holding hands, hugging in public or private waned; growing in separate directions and/or not growing at all."

　　2. "Not giving him the respect and admiration he was looking for. He left me for a woman who needed rescuing and treated him like he was her knight in shining armor."

　　3. "Getting married to a person who did not share my religion, lifestyle, diet -- especially diet. If you can't eat the same things it is a sign you two do not have enough in common. I know diet sounds trivial, but when you think about it, trying to cook food for someone that you yourself just could not eat gets tiring. So you stop. Men have a thing about women cooking for them. I hear a lot of complaints that wives don't cook any more. With me, I just got tired of cooking food that I would never eat. So I stopped. He took it personally. Just too many differences."

　　4. "Thinking he was going to change. Trying to change them to be something they were never going to be."

　　5. "In my first marriage it was believing I could help him and the expectation we would live happy ever after. Nope. In the second, I'm learning it's not 50/50. If you both don't give your all it will never work."

　　6. "Taking childhood baggage into marriage! It takes work on both sides to make a great marriage! I wish parents knew how their abuse and neglect are setting the stage for future relationships so negatively."

　　7. "I married someone for stability, promises, dreams, comfort, consistency and protection. Reality was not a concern. It should have been. I depended on and expected too much from him and that was my mistake. Now that I have raised children, I know what unconditional love is and discovered that it was what I was missing in the marriage."

　　8. "Poor communication. Making assumptions. Not being clear and direct."

　　9. "Biggest mistake was turning a blind eye to all his affairs and getting married so young!!"

　　10. "Taking on the 'relationship responsibility' myself as if I could resolve the issues with love and communication. I didn't stand a chance. And so ... 29 years married to my high school sweetheart went up in a funeral pile."

　　11. "My issue was the fact that I stopped expressing myself in a way that was true to me when the relationship took off ... I would walk around on eggshells in front of my partner, for fear of being displeasing, and I gave up my hobbies and interests, too."

　　12. "My biggest mistake was letting myself be treated like a non-person ... no opinions, no choices, no voice."

　　13. "I think little things add up over the years and if you don't deal with issues when they come up, lots of people gradually grow apart over time and both parties often take each other for granted."

　　14. "Biggest mistake: I took her for granted."

　　15. "Going into marriage based on shared interests and other 'surface' types of similarities/likes and not considering deeper connections, like faith, morals, values, communication styles, and shared goals."

　　离婚会触发多种情绪，诸如悲伤、惋惜等。有时候是一些婚姻之外的因素使得夫妻分道扬镳。另一些时候，离婚后当事人会扪心自问，如果改变过去的一些做法，是否就可以挽救这段婚姻?

　　考虑到这一点，我们在《赫芬顿邮报》的网站Huff/Post 50上向离异读者提问：自己在婚姻中犯下的最大错误是什么?一些答案言简意赅。南茜·吉莉(Nancy Jurney)说：“就算直觉一直说‘不要’，但还是嫁给他了。”还有一些就略显复杂了。杰西·威廉姆斯(Jessie Williams)说道：“没能深入了解他是怎样的一个人。我应该多花一些功夫调查他的背景的。我们是1986年6月结的婚，同年12月就离了。”下面还列出了一些其它的答复。

　　1.“我们不再把对方放在第一位;不再培养感情，不再约会。连简单的日常情感交流如接吻、牵手、拥抱等都很吝啬，不再在公共场合秀恩爱，甚至私底下也是;两个人在成长中逐渐偏离了对方，或者都没有一点儿长进。”

　　2.“他想要的尊重和赞美，我都没有给。最后他为了别的女人离开了我。那个女人楚楚可怜，简直就把他看作身披战甲去拯救她的骑士。”

　　3.“我和一个跟我在宗教信仰、生活方式、饮食习惯(尤其是这点)都格格不入的人结了婚。如果连吃什么都合不来，这意味着你们根本就是两个世界的人。我知道这听上去只是鸡毛蒜皮之事，但想一想你要为一个人做你自己根本难以下咽的食物，这未免太过勉强了。所以你放手了。男人都特别喜欢让妻子主厨。我听过好多男人抱怨妻子不做饭之类的。但就我个人而言，我只是讨厌做我自己都不想吃的食物。因此我决定结束这种生活。他觉得我是针对他，但其实只是因为我们差别太大了。”

　　4.“幻想他会改变。天真地想去改变一些不可能改变的东西。”

　　5.“第一次婚姻我相信我可以成为他的贤内助，我们也可以一直幸福地生活下去。结果事实不是这样。第二次我就学乖了。婚姻不是两个人各付出一半，一旦任意一方有所保留，这段感情都维持不下去。”

　　6.“将童年的阴影带进婚姻!只有双方共同经营的婚姻才会幸福!我希望父母能够清楚地知道，他们相互的辱骂与冷漠会对自己孩子未来的婚姻生活造成多么大的负面影响。”

　　7.“当初结婚是为了寻求稳定、承诺、梦想、安逸和庇护、志同道合。当时并没有考虑过现实问题，而这其实是很必要的。我过分地依赖他，对他的期望也太高，这是我的问题。如今我已为人母，明白了什么是无条件的爱，才发觉我当初的婚姻正是缺少这个东西。”

　　8.“缺乏沟通。总是猜疑。从不直截了当地交流。”

　　9.“我最错的就是对他的风流韵事视而不见，年纪轻轻就嫁给了他!”

　　10.“一力承担起‘婚姻的责任，就好像我一个人靠爱和沟通就能解决掉所有的问题一样。事实上这完全不可能。因此……在结婚29年后，我和我高中心上人的关系还是走到了尽头。”

　　11.“我的问题是，我不再像刚恋爱时那样坦诚……在我另一半面前，我分外小心谨慎，生怕惹他(她)不高兴，而且我还放弃了我的兴趣爱好。”

　　12.“我犯的最大的错误就是允许自己被非人地对待……不能有意见，凡事没得选，没有话语权。”

　　13.“我觉得冰冻三尺非一日之寒。如果你不在问题出现时就解决它，那么夫妻二人只会渐行渐远，并且都不把对方当回事。”

　　14.“我最大的错误是：不把她当回事。”

　　15.“因共同的兴趣以及其它一些‘表面的’相似点/喜好走进婚姻，而没有考虑到一些更深层次的东西如信仰、道德观、价值观、沟通风格及共同的目标等。”