黄西在白宫记者年会上的诙谐演讲

【发言稿】

　　Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
　　各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
　　But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.
　　但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）
　　I grew up in China. Who wouldn't?
　　我在中国长大。谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）
　　As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.
　　When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
　　而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快，而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢。
　　My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, "Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I said so!"
　　我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”，他说“因为我说好就是好！”（笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）
　　I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.
　　 我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。这不是个笑话，不过现在是了。
　　And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
　　我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。
　　And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, "Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!"
　　 和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。”（这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）
　　And he was said to me, "Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?"
　　I said, "Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!"
　　 然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。）
　　When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States,
　　because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.
　　 从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。因为回中国的话，我有一件事情完全没有办法做的比这里更好，那就是我散发出的异域风情。
　　And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons,
　　where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin?
　　We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"
　　 我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“谁是本杰明富兰克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（百元美钞上印着本杰明富兰克林的头像。）
　　What's the second Amendment? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"
　　“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）
　　What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?"
　　 “Roe vs. Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思））
　　Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.
　　 后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）
　　And in America, they say that all menare created equal, but after birth,
　　it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.
　　 在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。
　　I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.
　　 我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）
　　I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.
　　 Talk about mixed messages! I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill"
　　 我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是《杀死比尔》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案。）
　　I'm honored to eh.. meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. em, I actually read autobiography of you,
　　 and today I see you. I think the book is much better.
　　They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.
　　 我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的哈开心），他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉。
　　So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert!
　　 坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert,给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）
　　And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. and he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.
　　奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。
　　We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on a newspaper can you see just like, "I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)." My point exactly.
　　 我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。
　　And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much!
　　 今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！
　　So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about. oh, Thank you very much! eh. America is number one! That's true! cause we won the World Series every year!
　　 2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。）
　　After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. You had me at "Guess we can". That was their slogan.
　　成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。这是他们的口号。（此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）
　　So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.
　　and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.
　　所以，当奥巴马成为总统的时候，我感觉到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也应该去竞选总统！
　　Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.
　　I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.
　　 好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。
　　But now we have a president who is half black half white.
　　That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
　　 但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）
　　You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.
　　Oh, you too? ok. So, I understand that American people are suffering.
　　So, my campaign slogan will be, "Who cares?" (Hu Cares)
　　 你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）
　　If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!
　　 如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。
　　That will give me the youth vote. You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!"
　　 这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”
　　And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olson twins.
　　 我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业。所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事，就好像总统与副总统，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她们是双胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起设计服装）。
　　And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one. But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know. because of pre-existing conditions.
　　 除去心脏病和癌症的因素，大多数美国人是自然死亡的。所以如果我当选，我会找出一种治愈自然死亡的疗法。你们看上去很喜欢这个。但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险，因为先前条款。
　　And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees, now it's 40! You are very welcome!
　　 我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施。如果我当选了，我就把华氏改成摄氏。这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度。
　　And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
　　 我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯！（这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。
　　I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I'll text our allies just to say "hi", and text our enemies when they are driving. "OMG you are building a nuclear weapon? but you're doing it wrong, LOL!"
　　我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。
　　I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night. Thank ** guy