让孩子学会感恩 身教重于言传

At the Branstens' modern white dining table, the family holds hands for their nightly ritual.

　　布朗斯唐(Bransten)家现代风格的白色餐桌旁，一家人手拉手开始每天晚上都会进行的仪式。

　　Arielle, 8 years old, says she's thankful for her late grandfather, Horace, and how funny he was. 'I'm missing him, ' she says. Her third-grade pal, over for dinner, chimes in, 'I'm grateful for the sausages.' Leela, who works for an education nonprofit, and her attorney husband Peter, burst into smiles. The San Francisco couple couldn't have scripted this better. Appreciation for things big and small -- that's why they do this.

　　八岁的阿丽尔(Arielle)说，她感谢已故的祖父霍拉斯(Horace)以及他的风趣。“我一直想念他，”她说。阿丽尔来家里做客吃饭的三年级同学插嘴说：“我感谢有香肠吃。”在一家非营利教育机构工作的利拉(Leela)和当律师的丈夫彼得(Peter)不禁笑起来。这对生活在旧金山的夫妇的这个安排非常完美。对生活中大大小小的事情心存感恩——这就是他们这样做的原因。

　　Giving thanks is no longer just holiday fare. A field of research on gratitude in kids is emerging, and early findings indicate parents' instincts to elevate the topic are spot-on. Concrete benefits come to kids who literally count their blessings.

　　感恩已不再只是节日的事情。围绕儿童感恩情况的一个研究领域正在兴起，初步研究结果显示，父母凭直觉提起这个话题非常正确。如果孩子能真正地历数使他们感到幸福的事情，这对他们有实际益处。

　　Gratitude works like a muscle. Take time to recognize good fortune, and feelings of appreciation can increase. Even more, those who are less grateful gain the most from a concerted effort. 'Gratitude treatments are most effective in those least grateful, ' says Eastern Washington University psychology professor Philip Watkins.

　　感恩的形成如同肌肉。如果花时间认识到值得庆幸的事，感恩的情绪就会增加。甚至感恩之心没那么强的人在齐心协力的努力中会获益最多。东华盛顿大学(Eastern Washington University)心理学教授沃特金斯(Philip Watkins)说，感恩疗法在那些感恩之心较为淡薄的人身上最有效。

　　Among a group of 122 elementary school kids taught a weeklong curriculum on concepts around giving, gratitude grew, according to a study due to be published in 2014 in School Psychology Review. The heightened thankfulness translated into action: 44% of the kids in the curriculum opted to write thank-you notes when given the choice following a PTA presentation. In the control group, 25% wrote notes.

　　将于2014年发表在《学校心理学评论》(School Psychology Review)上的一项研究报告显示，一个由122名小学生组成的小组在接受了为期一周的有关付出的课程后，感恩心态有所增强。增加的感激之情转化成了行动：参加课程的孩子在观看一个家庭教师协会(PTA)的演示后，有44%的孩子选择了写感谢信。对照组写感谢信的孩子比例为25%。

　　'The old adage that virtues are caught, not taught, applies here, ' says University of California, Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons. Parents need to model this behavior to build their children's gratitude muscle. 'It's not what parents want to hear, but you cannot give your kids something that you yourselves do not have, ' Dr. Emmons says.

　　加州大学戴维斯分校(University of California, Davis)的心理学教授埃蒙斯(Robert Emmons)说，有句老话叫美德重在身教而非言传，在这里也适用。父母需要以身作则表现出感恩，才能让孩子也学会感恩。埃蒙斯说，关键不在于父母想听些什么，而是你自己都不具备的品质不可能传授给孩子。

　　This may seems obvious, but it eludes many parents, Dr. Watkins says. 'I think the most important thing for us adults to realize is we're not very grateful either, ' he says.

　　沃特金斯说，这看上去似乎是显然的，但很多父母并没意识到。他说，我认为对我们这些成年人来说最重要的是要认识到，我们自己也没有多少感恩之心。

　　The mere act of giving thanks has tangible benefits, research suggests. A 2008 study of 221 kids published in the Journal of School Psychology analyzed sixth- and seventh-graders assigned to list five things they were grateful for every day for two weeks. It found they had a better outlook on school and greater life satisfaction three weeks later, compared with kids assigned to list five hassles.

　　研究表明，仅仅是表示谢意的行动也会带来实际的益处。2008年发表于《学校心理学杂志》(Journal of School Psychology)的一项研究报告对221名六年级和七年级的学生进行了分析，他们被要求在两周时间里每天列出为之心存感恩的五件事情。研究发现，相比被要求每天列举五件为之烦恼的事的孩子，这些孩子在三周后对学校的看法更积极，生活满意度也更高。

　　Another study examined 1, 035 high-school students outside New York City. The study, published in 2010 in the Journal of Happiness Studies, found that those who showed high levels of gratitude, for instance thankfulness for the beauty of nature and strong appreciation of other people, reported having stronger GPAs, less depression and envy and a more positive outlook than less grateful teens.

　　另一项研究检查了纽约市以外1,035名高中生的情况。该研究论文于2010年发表于《幸福研究杂志》(Journal of Happiness Studies)，研究发现，相比那些不太感恩的青少年，具有强烈感恩之心的学生(比如对自然之美心存感恩，或很感激其他人)平均成绩更高、不容易沮丧和嫉妒，也更为积极乐观。

　　Further, teens who strongly connected buying and owning things with success and happiness reported having lower GPAs, more depression and a more negative outlook. 'Materialism had just the opposite effect as gratitude -- almost like a mirror, ' says study co-author Jeffrey Froh, associate professor of psychology at Hofstra University.

　　此外，将购买和拥有事物与成功和幸福联系起来的青少年成绩较差、情绪更低落、也更为悲观。上述研究的联合作者、霍夫斯特拉大学(Hofstra University)心理学助理教授弗罗(Jeffrey Froh)说，物质主义产生的效果与感恩刚好相反。

　　Internet shopping has made acquisition so easy, the value of goods can be harder to recognize. 'Today, if one of our boys needs a new pair of shoes, my wife goes on Zappos, picks out the color and size, and they show up the next day in a FedEx box. No wishing. No prioritizing. No desiring for something that is out of touch. Just click the button, and presto, the shoes arrive on our doorstep, ' says Willy Walker, who heads commercial real estate finance firm Walker and Dunlop in Bethesda, Md. 'It drives me crazy.'

　　网络购物让买东西更方便，但是人们更难以意识到商品的价值。在马里兰州贝塞斯达经营商业房地产金融公司Walker and Dunlop的沃克尔(Willy Walker)说，现在，如果哪个孩子需要一双新鞋，我妻子就会上Zappos网站，挑好颜色和尺寸，第二天鞋子就装在联邦快递(FedEx)的盒子里送来了。没有许愿的过程，不用决定优先顺序，没有对可望而不可及的东西的期许。只要点击鼠标，然后鞋子转眼就送到门口了。这简直让我发疯。

　　He has reacted to this reality -- so different from how he'd eye a pair of Pumas at the store for months before ever getting them as a kid -- with determination to keep consumption modest where possible. So, he hasn't set up the Wii his kids received as a present. 'They get plenty of video entertainment all over, so why not scale back at home?' he says.

　　现在的情况完全不同于他自己小时候在店里眼巴巴地看着一双彪马(Puma)运动鞋、要好几个月才能得到的情形，面对这一事实，他决心尽可能地将孩子们的消费保持在适度的水平。因此他一直没有设置孩子们作为礼物收到的Wii游戏机。他说，他们到处都有一大堆的视频游戏，因此为什么不在家里减少一点儿呢?

　　When his son wanted a cellphone for his 11th birthday, Mr. Walker set out to 'get the Pinto rather than the Cadillac.' In this case, his resolve fell away when challenged by factors like ease and quality. 'The Pintos didn't really limit access to texting or Web-browsing. They just did everything worse than the more expensive phones. So we got him an iPhone 4S. Ugh.'

　　当他儿子想要一部手机作为11岁生日礼物时，沃克尔打算买个便宜的，不要高档的。这一次，由于考虑到手机的使用便利程度和质量等因素，他的决心有所动摇。他说：“廉价手机其实也并不限制收发短信或上网。它们只不过是所有的功能都比更昂贵的手机差。于是我们给他买了部iPhone 4S。唉。”

　　A 2013 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that tracked materialism in 355, 000 high school seniors from 1976 to 2007 found that desire for lots of money has increased markedly since the mid-1970s, while willingness to work hard to earn it has decreased. Among kids surveyed, 62% thought it was important to have lots of money and nice things between 2005 and 2007, while 48% had this view from 1976 to 1978.

　　2013年发表于《人格与社会心理学公报》(Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin)的一项研究在1976年至2007年期间跟踪调查了35.5万名高中高年级学生的物质主义倾向，结果发现，自上世纪70年代中期以来，学生们想要很多钱的愿望大大增加，而通过努力赚钱的意愿则下降了。在接受调查的孩子中，2005至2007年之间有62%的人认为有很多钱和好东西很重要，1976至1978年有此看法的孩子比例为48%。

　　'This subject is huge for us, ' says Gabrielle Toledano, an executive vice president at videogame company Electronic Arts. She and her husband live in San Francisco with their 9-year-old, Amelie, and 12-year-old, Ben. Ms. Toledano, and her husband Kurt Gantert, a camp director and stay-home dad, are deliberate about finding everyday ways to remind their kids how good they've got it.

　　视频游戏公司艺电(Electronic Arts)的执行副总裁托勒达诺(Gabrielle Toledano)说，这个主题对我们来说意义极为重大。她和丈夫与九岁的女儿阿梅莉(Amelie)和12岁的儿子本(Ben)住在旧金山。托勒达诺和丈夫甘特尔特(Kurt Gantert)深思熟虑，在日常生活中想办法提醒孩子们，他们享受着多好的生活。甘特尔特是一位夏令营负责人，并负责在家带孩子。

　　'We eat family dinner every night and thank Dad for making it, ' Ms. Toledano says. 'We talk about how I work hard so we can have nice food. If the kids don't come to the table when we call them, I tell them it's rude, because someone has made an effort, ' she says.

　　托勒达诺说，我们一家人每天晚上吃饭时都会感谢爸爸做饭。我们会谈论我工作有多辛苦，所以我们才有可口的美食。如果我们叫孩子们吃饭时他们没来到餐桌边，我会告诉他们这样没礼貌，因为有人为此付出了辛劳。

　　The couple is committed to their kids' having part-time jobs when they are old enough. 'They should work in the back office or the kitchen, ' Ms. Toledano says. 'There are interesting, hardworking people there. You learn more about gratitude when you have friends who aren't as privileged as you are, ' she says.

　　这对夫妇决心在孩子们足够大时让他们从事兼职工作。托勒达诺说，他们应当在后勤部门或厨房里干活。那里有一些很有意思、努力工作的人。如果你有一些境遇不如自己的朋友，你会更多地学会感恩。

　　Despite good intentions, some parents are struggling with how to stoke the giving fires in their children. 'It's an uphill battle, ' says Andrea Rice, president of professional development coaching business CareerCore. Her kids are 12 and 9. 'We both work, so the kids have an au pair. They are shuttled from A to B. They don't really struggle much. Because that's their reality, it doesn't matter how much you say, 'Appreciate this, appreciate that, ' ' Ms. Rice says.

　　虽然怀揣着良好意愿，但一些父母觉得很难让孩子更多地付出。“这是非常艰难的。”职业发展培训机构CareerCore的总裁莱斯(Andrea Rice)说。她的孩子分别为12岁和九岁。莱斯说，我们夫妻两人都要上班，因此孩子们有一个住家保姆。他们总在不断穿梭。他们其实没遇到过什么困难。因为现实就是这样的，不管你怎样苦口婆心地说对这个要感恩，对那个要感恩。

　　Everyday actions may be even more important than big efforts, researchers say. 'Express gratitude to your spouse. Thank your kids, ' Hofstra's Dr. Froh says. 'Parents say, 'Why should I thank them for doing something they should do, like clean their room?' By reinforcing this, kids will internalize the idea, and do it on their own.'

　　研究人员说，父母的日常行为可能比花大力气去说教孩子更为重要。霍夫特斯拉大学的弗罗说，向你的另一半表示感谢。同时也要谢谢你的孩子们。弗罗表示，父母会说，我为什么要为孩子应该自己动手做的事情去谢谢他们，比如打扫自己的房间?但实际上，通过这种强调方式，孩子会将这一想法内在化，然后自己来做。

　　Still, Eastern Washington's Dr. Watkins cautions, 'Don't shove it down their throats.' His family gives thanks at Thanksgiving, but it's not a formal process. 'Don't make this, 'It's your turn, so say something whether you feel it or not, ' ' he says.

　　但东华盛顿大学的沃特金斯提醒说，这件事还是不要硬来。他的家庭会在感恩节彼此道谢，但不会搞得非常正式。他说，不要弄成好像是“该你了，无论有没有感受，都说点什么吧”。

　　UC Davis's Dr. Emmons believes gratitude is actually easier for kids. 'As we get older, the give and take of life is driven by expectations around tit-for-tat reciprocity. Kids have a natural affinity to gratitude. They often teach parents as much or more about gratitude than the other way around.'

　　加州大学戴维斯分校的埃蒙斯认为，其实孩子更容易怀有感恩的心态。他说，随着年龄的增长，我们生活中的给予和回报往往会变成你来我往这种互惠型期待，而孩子则有一种很自然的感恩心理，他们在这方面教给父母的常常与父母教给孩子的一样多，甚至更多。