如何避免冲孩子发脾气

Nearly every parent loses control and screams at the children now and then. But what if you do it repeatedly?

　　几乎每一位父母都有情绪失控和对孩子高声叫嚷的时候。但如果你频频如此呢?

　　Researchers suspect parents are yelling more. Parents have been conditioned to avoid spanking, so they vent their anger and frustration by shouting instead. Three out of four parents yell, scream or shout at their children or teens about once a month, on average, for misbehaving or making them angry, research shows. Increasingly, therapists and parenting experts are homing in on how it hurts a child, as well as how to stop it.

　　研究人员猜测，父母如今吼孩子比以前更频繁了。父母已经习惯于不动手打孩子屁股，因此他们会通过大喊大叫来发泄愤怒和不满。研究显示，四分之三的父母会因家中幼童或青少年 犯错误或惹他们生气而吼叫、尖叫或大喊，平均每月一次。治疗师和家庭教育专家正越来越多地关注这类行为会对孩子产生何种伤害以及如何阻止这类行为。

　　Raising your voice isn't always bad. Loudly describing a problem can call attention to it without hurting anyone, says Adele Faber, a parenting trainer in Roslyn Heights, N.Y., and co-author of 'How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be.' For example: 'I just mopped the kitchen floor and now it is covered with muddy footprints.'

　　提高嗓门并不总是坏事。纽约州罗斯林海茨(Roslyn Heights)的育儿培训师、《怎样成为理想中的父母》(How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be)一书作者之一阿黛尔・费伯(Adele Faber)称，大声描述一个问题能在不伤害任何人的情况下引起关注。例如：“我刚刚拖过厨房地板，现在又被踩得到处是泥。”

　　Yelling becomes damaging when it is a personal attack, belittling or blaming a child with statements such as 'Why can't you ever remember?' or, 'You always get this wrong!' Ms. Faber says.

　　但费伯说，当你把吼叫作为人身攻击，用“你不能长点记性吗?”或者“你总是做错!”这种话来责备或挖苦孩子时，就会给孩子带来伤害。

　　Many parents lose control because they take children's misbehavior or rebellion personally, research shows: They feel attacked or think the child's actions reflect poorly on them. Parents who see a child's negative emotions as unexpected, overwhelming and upsetting tend to feel more threatened and frustrated with each new outburst, says a study published earlier this month in the Journal of Family Psychology. This pattern, called 'emotional flooding,' triggers a downward spiral in the relationship, disrupting the parent's problem-solving ability and fueling emotional reactions, such as yelling.

　　许多父母情绪失控是因为他们对孩子的错误或叛逆行为太较真。研究显示，他们会感觉自己受到攻击，或者认为孩子的行为让他们颜面尽失。《家庭心理学期刊》(Journal of Family Psychology)早些时候刊登的一项研究称，认为孩子的负面情绪出人意料、让人无所适从和令人沮丧的父母，往往会在孩子每次出现新的情绪爆发时产生更强烈的受威胁和挫败感。这种模式被称为“情绪崩溃”，会导致亲子关系陷入下行螺旋，扰乱父母解决问题的能力并催生吼叫等情绪反应。

　　Teens whose parents use 'harsh verbal discipline' such as shouting or insults are more likely to have behavior problems and depression symptoms, says a recent study of 976 middle-class adolescents and their parents, published online last September and led by Ming-Te Wang, an assistant professor of psychology and education at the University of Pittsburgh.

　　近期一项对976名中产阶层青少年和他们父母的调查显示，被父母用喊叫或辱骂等方式进行“严厉语言管教”的青少年更容易有行为问题和抑郁症状。该调查去年9月份刊登在网上，由匹兹堡大学(University of Pittsburgh)心理学和教育学助理教授王明德(音)领导。

　　Another study suggests yelling at children may have consequences that go beyond those of spanking. Eight-year-olds whose parents disciplined them by yelling have less satisfying relationships with romantic partners and spouses at age 23, according to a 15-year study led by Stephanie Parade, an assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. 'Parents who yell may miss out on a chance to teach children to regulate their emotions,' she says.

　　另一项研究暗示，对孩子吼叫带来的后果可能比打屁股更严重。布朗大学(Brown University) 精神病学和人类行为学助理教授斯蒂芬妮・帕拉德(Stephanie Parade)领导的一项为期15年的研究显示，八岁时父母通过吼叫来管教的孩子到23岁时与恋爱伴侣和配偶之间的关系不太令人满意。她说：“大喊大叫的父母可能会错过教孩子如何管理情绪的机会。”

　　Spanking also predicted less satisfying adult relationships, but the negative effects were offset when parents praised their children at other times. The negative effects of yelling weren't erased by parental warmth, however. The negative problem-solving tactics that children learn when their parents yell may stick with them as adults, says the study, published in 2012 in Marriage & Family Review. Children also may expect others to treat them in a negative way, and unconsciously pick partners who fulfill that expectation.

　　打屁股也与成年后伴侣关系不尽人意有关联，但父母在其他时候表扬孩子会消除打屁股带来的负面影响。然而，吼叫带来的负面影响不会因父母的关爱而消除。《婚姻和家庭评论》(Marriage & Family Review) 2012年刊登的这项研究称，孩子会在父母吼叫时学到负面的问题解决策略，成年后他们可能仍会坚持使用这些策略。这些孩子可能还会期望别人以负面方式对待他们，并且无意识地选择满足他们期望的伴侣。

　　'Yelling is where 90% of us do the most damage,' says Julie Ann Barnhill, a speaker and author of 'She's Gonna Blow,' a book on parental anger that has sold 135,000 copies. Ms. Barnhill says she used to yell one to three times a week at her children when they were preschoolers. She got counseling, and learned to control her anger and discipline her kids in calmer, more positive ways, techniques she now teaches other parents in speeches and workshops.

　　《她要发火了》(She's Gonna Blow)一书作者、演说家朱莉・安・巴恩希尔(Julie Ann Barnhill)表示：“吼叫是90%的人犯的危害最大的错误。”《她要发火了》是一本有关父母愤怒情绪的书，销量高达135,000册。巴恩希尔说，孩子上学之前，她曾经一周对他们吼叫一到三次。后来她做了咨询，并学会控制自己的愤怒情绪，以更冷静、更积极的方式管教孩子。现在她通过演讲和工作室向其他父母教授这些技巧。

　　Parents can learn to notice signs that a blowup is brewing and dial down their own tension. Warning signs can include: tightness in the throat or chest, shallow or rapid breathing, a clenching of the teeth or jaw, negative thoughts about oneself or feelings of being overwhelmed.

　　父母可以学着去留意即将发火的信号并设法减轻自己的焦虑。预警信号包括：喉咙或胸口发紧，呼吸变得急促，咬紧牙关，对自己产生负面想法或感觉不堪重负。

　　Deep breathing, envisioning a pleasant scene, counting to 10 or leaving the room can help. Ms. Barnhill advises practicing calming thoughts, such as 'I'm having a miserable day, but getting angry will just make things worse.'

　　深呼吸，想象愉快的场景，数到10或者离开房间都有所助益。巴恩希尔建议平复一下紊乱的思绪，比如对自己说：“我今天过得很悲催，但生气只能让情况更糟。”

　　Build a margin of spare time into daily routines to allow time for minor mishaps, such as spilled milk or lost jackets, says Jill Savage, author of 'No More Perfect Moms.' She adds, 'If I have 20 minutes to clean up after dinner, I'm more likely to handle that spilled milk well.'

　　《不再当完美妈妈》(No More Perfect Moms)一书作者吉尔・萨维奇(Jill Savage)说，可在每日例行安排中留出一点富余时间处理小意外，比如孩子把牛奶弄 了或者上衣弄丢。她补充称：“如果饭后我有20分钟时间进行清理，我就更有可能把牛奶弄 的事处理好。”

　　Learning to start sentences with 'I' rather than 'you' can help parents shift from an angry attack to a teaching moment, Ms. Faber says. 'Say what you don't like, then add what you would like or expect.'

　　费伯说，学会将“我”而不是“你”作为句子的开头，能够帮助父母将怒气冲冲的攻击转变为对孩子的教育。她说：“说你不喜欢看到些什么，然后补充说你喜欢或者希望看到些什么。”

　　Leigh Fransen felt like yelling when her daughters, 10-year-old Alona and 8-year-old Elisha, forgot to feed the family dog, Balto, on two evenings in the same week. 'This is a really important responsibility, and they're always asking me for more pets,' says Ms. Fransen, of Fort Mill, S.C. 'I wanted to yell, 'You're not getting any dinner tonight, because you didn't feed the dog, and you're going to know how it feels'-which would lead to nothing but tears and misery, and probably to me backing down.'

　　南卡罗来纳州米尔堡(Fort Mill)的利・弗朗桑(Leigh Fransen)的女儿阿洛纳(Alona)和伊莱沙(Elisha)一个10岁，一个8岁。有一次，她俩一周有两个晚上忘记给家里的狗巴尔托(Balto)喂食，弗朗桑很想发脾气。弗朗桑说：“这是个非常重要的责任，她们总问我要更多的宠物。我想冲她们吼：‘你们没有喂狗，今天晚上不给你们吃饭了，这样你们才知道狗是什么感觉’──但这么做只会让她们掉眼泪，让她们感到痛苦，而我很可能会心软让步。”

　　Instead, she started her response with 'I,' saying, 'I don't like seeing the dog not fed. Look at him: He is miserable. I expect him to be fed before you eat your own dinner,' Ms. Fransen says. Alona and Elisha needed to be reminded of the deadline twice, but soon learned to remember on their own. Ms. Fransen praised them for taking responsibility and encouraged them to see that 'Balto seems much happier now that he's getting dinner on time.'

　　于是她以“我”为开头来回应，她说：“我不喜欢看到狗没喂。看看他：他很可怜。我希望你们自己吃饭之前能把他喂饱。” 阿洛纳和伊莱沙后来还需要妈妈提醒两次才记得最后期限，但她们很快就能自己记得喂狗了。弗朗桑表扬她们能认真负责，并鼓励她们注意“巴尔托看起来开心多了，因为现在他能及时吃上饭了”。

　　Many parents blow up because they have unrealistic expectations-such as assuming a two-year-old shouldn't push parental limits, says Ms. Savage, chief executive of Hearts at Home, a Normal, Ill., nonprofit that runs conferences on parenting issues, including discipline. 'We say to our children, 'Act your age,' and in reality, they are,' she says. Not expecting children to be perfect, or nearly so, can calm parents' frustrations, Ms. Savage says. So can seeing a child's failure as an opportunity for him to learn.

　　Hearts at Home的首席执行长萨维奇说，许多父母发脾气是因为他们抱有不切实际的期望──比如认为两岁的孩子不应该违反父母的规定。她说：“我们对自己的孩子说：‘别像小孩那样。’但事实上他们就是小孩子。”萨维奇说，不要期望孩子十全十美或者接近完美，这样就能平复挫败感。所以我们可以把孩子的失败视为他学习的机会。Hearts at Home是伊利诺伊州诺默尔(Normal)一家就家庭教育问题(包括管教在内)组织会议的非营利组织。

　　Parents can turn a meltdown into a teaching moment by involving kids in finding solutions, Ms. Faber says. She suggests waiting for a calm moment and stating the rule the child violated. Then give the child a choice about how to prevent the misbehavior from happening again. Inviting a child to suggest solutions teaches problem-solving skills.

　　费伯说，父母可以和孩子一起寻找解决方案，把失败变为教育孩子的机会。她建议等到情绪平静的时候陈述孩子违反的规矩，然后让孩子去选择如何防止再次犯错。邀请孩子提出解决方案能够教会他们掌握解决问题的技能。

　　Sara Weingot of Baltimore used the technique after her 6-year-old son misbehaved during an outing in her minivan, kicking and pushing two other kids' booster seats. She later told him she never wanted it to happen again, then listened sympathetically as he explained that he had been squeezed too tightly between two other kids' car seats.

　　巴尔的摩(Baltimore)的萨拉・魏因戈特(Sara Weingot)在她6岁的儿子犯错后就运用过这个技巧，当时她儿子在乘坐面包车出游时踢推其他两个孩子的儿童加高座椅。之后她对儿子说，她希望以后绝对不要再发生这种情况，然后她满怀同情地听儿子解释说他被其他两个孩子的汽车座椅挤得太紧。

　　Ms. Weingot gave him a choice between staying home with a babysitter next time and finding another solution. He made a list from 'get a better car' to taking turns with his siblings in more comfortable seats, an idea that worked, Ms. Weingot says.

　　魏因戈特让他选择下次和保姆一起待在家里还是寻找另一种解决方案。魏因戈特说，他列出了一些方案，其中包括“买一辆更好的车”，还有和兄弟姐妹轮流坐更舒服的座椅。后一种方案得到了采纳。

　　Apologizing can help repair a relationship after an outburst, says Ms. Barnhill, the author. She took her daughter aside in her teens and apologized for an explosive incident a few years earlier. 'I have this memory of being in your face and yelling at you. I am so sorry, sweet girl,' Ms. Barnhill says she told her.

　　前文提到的作者巴恩希尔说，在发脾气之后道歉有助于修复亲子关系。巴恩希尔在女儿十几岁时曾把她拉到一边，为几年前一次发脾气而道歉。巴恩希尔说，当时她告诉女儿：“我记得自己对你发火，冲你大喊大叫。我很抱歉，亲爱的。”

　　Her daughter Kristen Draughan, who is now 25, married and studying for a master's degree in social work, says she doesn't remember her mother yelling much when she was a child. But Ms. Draughan does recall that her mother's remorse made her burst into tears. 'It showed that she cared about my feelings,' she says.

　　她女儿克丽丝藤・德劳安(Kristen Draughan)现在25岁，已经结婚，在读社会工作专业硕士学位。她说她印象中小时候母亲不怎么冲她吼叫。但德劳安能够回想起她母亲的自责让她泪流满面。她说：“这说明她在乎我的感受。”