美媒致切尔西孩子：生为希拉里道具 伪装过一生

　　Chelsea Clinton and her husband, hedge fund manager Marc Mezvinsky, are expecting their first child. Clinton, 34, made the announcement in the exact same way you would, in a speech she gave together with her mother at a Lower East Side event promoting the Clinton Foundation’s effort to empower girls. The baby is due sometime this fall.

　　Dear Baby Clinton-Mezvinsky:

　　Welcome to advanced gestation! Since you’re new around here, I thought you’d like to know a little bit about what makes you so special. The reason is, you’re going to live your whole life in make-believe!

　　Do you know the fairy stories about a princess in a castle? Well, you get to be that real-life prince or princess, in a real-life castle where Mommy Chelsea is also a princess, Grandma is about to be crowned Queen, and Grandpa Bill is a retired ex-King with lots of helpful advice on ruling the kingdom, er, monarchy. (Your other grandma and grandpa were both a kind of court vassal called Congressmen. Oopsies, other grandpa, Edward Mezvinsky, even went to something called “prison,” which is kind of like a big, cozy crib! Can you say “wire fraud”? Good, you can’t! Don’t! Around here we pretend Grandpa isn’t a criminal!)

　　Inside the castle towers you will find that Mommy, Mommy’s mommy and Mommy’s daddy Bill are all really good at make-believe games. So you get to pretend all the time! Mommy’s mommy and Mommy’s daddy even pretend to still be married even though they’ve been living hundreds of miles apart for 14 years!

　　Before you were even born your mommy’s mommy pretended that it’s a completely normal thing to announce your own grandchild’s birth to the world at a joint press appearance with your mom, hosted on Skype and live-streamed. With America Ferrera!

　　Although you will at all times pretend to be a normal baby, you actually already have your very own career, like doctor or fireman or lobbyist! Can you say “Campaign Asset”? Good, now let’s learn about skill sets! You only need one talent. Ready? It’s “Soften the Candidate”! Sort of like human bubble bath.

　　Now, even though you have a busy life, sleeping 18 hours a day, nursing and learning to roll over, all of this comes second to being a stage prop to the grandma they call “Hillary” or “Madame President” or “Lady Pantsuit.” When big, scary men with huge, glowing boxes on their shoulders come around, don’t be afraid! They’re only here to shine blinding lights into your widdle eyes. Kind of like a dozen suns shining at the same time! Just think of them as the Sunshine Men. They will be accompanied by nice pretend journalists who are actually castle-outreach people named Katie or Oprah or Diane, whose job it is to make you and Grandma look good, so don’t cry so much, and only on cue! (Example: When Grandma Hillary says, “That ol’ John Boehner sure gets upset when he doesn’t get what he wants,” start wailing!)

　　There are a few special little things you need to know about. For instance, if you are a girl, mean people will mail you blue Gap dresses. You don’t need to worry about where they came from, because the castle’s shining knights will go after them. These knights work for a castle security program called the IRS. Those blue Gap dresses are a reference to something unfortunate that happened a long, long time ago that we all pretend didn’t happen and anyway was all the fault of barbarians and trolls living outside the castle. We call these twisted creatures Republicans.

　　In two years or so, when most babies are just learning to crawl, you will be hitting the road! Grandma Hillary is going to need you to smile and coo whenever there are Sunshine Men around. So play nice and don’t projectile vomit. Grandma is not what grown-ups call “maternal,” and was busy turning $1,000 into $100,000 in the magical cow trading market when your mommy was a baby, so she will have to make believe she is really “helping out” with you. No crying if she gets the diaper on the wrong end!

　　When you’re a teenager, you may start getting strange invitations from Grandpa Bill. Don’t be surprised if he asks you to invite all of your girl friends and their bikinis over to his house for a pool party. Grandpa Bill loves young people, especially young female people frolicking in the sunshine!

　　The best part of your make-believe Clinton-Mezvinsky life is that people will pretend you’re good at things and give you gifts like high-paying consultancy gigs when you just got out of college, jobs reporting for NBC News when you have as much camera-awareness as a smoked flounder, and the leadership of the free world because you “deserve it.” Learn to accept everything as your due, baby Clinton-Mezvinsky, and maybe Mommy and you will be the third and fourth Clintons to rule the kingdom!

　　4月17日，美国前总统克林顿与前国务卿希拉里之女切尔西宣布怀孕，预产期为今年秋天。22日，《纽约邮报》刊登一份致切尔西未出生婴儿公开信，全文摘要如下：

　　亲爱的孩子：

　　既然你刚来到世上，我认为你特别想知道是什么让你变得如此特别。原因就是你的一生将在虚幻中度过。

　　你听说过公主生活在城堡里的童话故事吗?你将成为现实版的王子或公主。在现实版的城堡里，你母亲也是一位公主，你奶奶将成为加冕的女王，你爷爷作为一位退休的前国王还在为如何治理这个王国献计献策。另外，你还有一群有点像诸侯一样的奶奶和爷爷。他们被外界称为“国会议员”。对了你爸爸的爸爸甚至住进了监狱，这个地方很像带栏杆的婴儿床。你会说：“电信欺诈?”千万别说，我们都假装你的这位爷爷不是一名罪犯!

　　在城堡里，你会发现你的妈妈，奶奶和爷爷确实很擅长伪装游戏，因此你不得不每时每刻都要装样子。14年来，你奶奶和爷爷即使一直分居，但他们依旧伪装成恩爱夫妻。

　　尽管你将始终假装自己是一名普通婴儿，但你实际上已经拥有了自己的职业。如果你会说“竞选资产”的话，让我们学习一下成套技能，你只需要有一种本事，像泡泡浴一样软化候选人强硬形象。

　　尽管你的生活会非常匆忙，除了1天睡8小时外还得学着滚爬，但和充当“总统女士”即你奶奶的舞台道具相比，这些都是次要的。当肩扛闪亮大盒子，身材魁梧，面目狰狞的人们来到你跟前时，不要害怕!他们只是想用夺目的灯光照亮你的眼睛，给你一种多个太阳一起发亮的感觉。你可以把他们看成是“阳光人士”，陪同“阳光人士”而来的是一群假记者，他们实际上是城堡外联人士，这些人的任务就是使你和你奶奶的形象在外界面前变得光彩夺目，因此你可要乖一些，不要总哭。

　　两岁时，你就即将“上路”，每当“阳光人士”出现时，奶奶就需要你在他们面前微笑，千万不要露丑。你奶奶身上不具备成人所说的那种母性，当你妈妈还是婴儿时，你奶奶忙着在交易所牛市上把1千美元变成1万美元呢。因此，当她把你的尿布换颠倒时，不要哭，你得假装她确实在帮助你。

　　当你成为一名十几岁的青少年时，你也许会收到来自爷爷的奇怪邀请，如果他要求你邀请你的女性朋友们穿着比基尼到他家参加泳池派对时，千万别感到惊讶。你爷爷喜欢年轻人，特别是年轻女性在阳光下嬉戏!

　　你一生中最精彩的部分就是人们会假装你能力非凡，当你刚从大学毕业时就会收到例如像顾问这样的高薪职务，当你有镜头感时，可以到国家广播公司(NBC)当记者，甚至有朝一日你会成为自由世界的领袖。你要学会接受这所有的一切，或许你妈妈和你将是克林顿王朝的第三、四代继承人。