为什么你应主动交代你的前任？

　　The last thing you want to hear out of a partner's mouth is the name of his or her ex -- but talking about an ex doesn't always signal romantic doom. In fact, it can help build a solid foundation for your current relationship.

　　从你的恋人口中，你最不想听到的就是前任的名字——可是，谈论前任并非总意味着你和他的恋情快要终结，相反，这能为你当下的恋情奠定坚实的基础。

　　Experts say the individual growth that leads to healthy, stable relationships begins with heartbreaks, and one of the best ways to turn past disappointments into future relationship successes is to share these experiences with your new partner.

　　专家告诉我们，一段良好的、稳固的恋情来自心痛和心痛后的个人成长。对你现在的恋人坦白那些心痛经历是从过去的痛苦中解脱，迈入新的成功恋情的最好的方式之一。

　　But how should you broach the subject? If you've kept in touch with your former flames on social media platforms such as Facebook, you've got an easy in, said Dr. Linda Young, a psychologist .

　　你要怎么开口谈论这个话题呢?心理学家，琳达·杨说，如果你与你的前任在脸书网这样的社交网络平台上还有联系，你就可以顺利的引入这一话题。

　　But dredging up stories of past flames can be treacherous, and it's worth taking the time to think about how to do it right. Here are five things to know before talking about an ex with your partner.

　　但是重提旧事，谈论你的前任可能有点背叛现任的味道，所以，花点时间想想如何正确处理此事将很有必要。在你向恋人谈论你的前任之前，要先了解如下五件事情。

　　1.Recalling past relationship mistakes makes you less inclined to repeat them.

　　反思自己在旧的恋情中曾犯过的错误能让你避免重蹈覆辙。

　　When you've been dumped, areas of the brain associated with addiction as well as physical pain light up, said Helen Fisher, chief scientific adviser to Match.com and a senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. Human brains have evolved to "attach" to other people after forming romantic bonds. When a relationship ends and that attachment severs, there's a huge emotional and physiological hit. After that, brain regions associated with processing what happened fire up.

　　Match.com的首席科学顾问，金赛研究所的高级研究员海伦·菲舍说，当对方提出分手的时候，你的大脑中那些与依恋感和心理疼痛感相关的区域都会趋于兴奋。在你和他人建立恋爱关系的时候，大脑会衍生出一种对对方的“依恋”感。当恋情告终，这种依恋关系断裂的时候，你就会感到巨大的情感和心理打击。在这之后，大脑中相应的应对区域就会兴奋起来。

　　2.Talking about past relationships can give your partner insight into who you are.

　　谈论过去的恋情能让你的恋人深入地了解你。

　　Aside from the evolutionary benefits, talking about your exes can help you communicate to your new partner how you grew into the person you are today. Often, romantic relationships serve as learning experiences that let you test the boundaries of your interests and needs. Reflecting on a past relationship can even help you find out something about yourself that you may have missed during the relationship and breakup.

　　除了脑部机制这方面的好处之外，谈论你的前任还有助于让你的新伴侣了解你是如何成长为现在的你的。恋爱关系往往能成为你了解自身的契机，让你更好的看清自己的爱好和需求所在。反思过去的恋情能有助于你更好地了解自己，了解你在那段恋情中所缺失的是什么，而这种缺失的东西正是你们分手的原因。

　　3.When it comes to talking about an ex, timing is everything.

　　当你准备谈论前任的时候，选好时机是最关键的。

　　The beginning of a new relationship may not be the best time to drop the ex bomb. Fisher explained that there's no hard and fast rule when it comes to timing, but you probably want to give a relationship time to develop before adding in any emotional third parties -- i.e., avoid talk of your ex on the first date.

　　刚开始一段新恋情的时候或许不是谈论前任这样严肃话题的最佳时机。菲舍解释说，至于何时为最佳时机，没有固定不变的准则，不过，或许你会想先给当下的感情一点时间发展壮大，然后再涉及到感情上的第三个人——也就是说，在初次约会的时候要避免提到你的前任。

　　4.Remember that perception may not match reality.

　　记住，现实的才是最好的。

　　When Fisher polled a representative sample of 5,000 Americans for Match.com recently, she asked people how long it takes them to get over an ex and found the average answer was about three months.

　　菲舍最近在Match.com网站上对5000名美国人做了一个抽样调查，她问这5000人，他们要花多长时间才能忘掉前任，最普遍的答案是三个月。

　　"But you know what? It's one of the few things I didn’t believe," she said. "I actually don't believe that. I've seen people take 10 years."

　　“但是你知道吗，这是世上我绝不相信的事情之一。”她说：“我当真不能相信。我见过有人花十年才能忘掉前任的。”

　　However long it may take you to get over an ex, how you talk about that person when you're in a new relationship can reveal a great deal. If you're still grieving over an ex, that can create a barrier between you and your current partner and signify that you're not "over it."

　　无论你要花多长时间才能忘掉你的前任，当你开始新的恋情时，你向对方谈论前任的方式都会表现出来你对前任的态度。如果你仍在怀念前任，就会在你和现任的恋人之间设立一个障碍，告诉对方你的上一段恋情还没有“了结”。

　　You can still have fond memories of your exes and bring them up occasionally, but be wary of spending too much time dwelling on the past.

　　你可以对前任仍然怀有美好的回忆，也可以想起他们，但是如果你花了太多时间回忆过去，这就要引起警戒了。

　　5.Know that the reason you're talking about your ex is to move forward, not backward.

　　要明白，你谈论前任的原因是你要向前走，而不是向后退。

　　Once you've shared the lessons of past relationships with your partner, it's best to continue to get to know him or her, form a new bond and create new memories -- don't let your current relationship stagnate. There's always more to learn about the relationship at hand, so you'll need to give it as much attention as possible.

　　当你和恋人分享了关于上一段恋情的教训之后，最好是进而去了解对方，然后双方建立新的情感联系，创立新的记忆——不要让你当下的恋情搁浅。对当下的恋情，你永远应该更多地了解它，应该给予它尽可能多的关注。